My Mom tells me I laughed when she was reading Nikolai Gogol’s The Government Inspector when I was only five. I still don’t know if I got the humour or whether I just got into Gogol’s style immediately and loved the language.
My favourite playwrights are Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, Oscar Wilde and Tom Stoppard. I like Shakespeare, but not as sitting alone reading his plays, but as in going with friends to an outdoor summer performance of The Merchant of Venice in Heaton Park, with three actors changing frantically and playing all the roles. Or as in seeing Kevin Spacey in Richard II.
I write short plays, some of them for The Three Minute Theatre, Manchester.
You can find examples of my writing by clicking the Category “Plays” in the right side manu bar.
Two humans of the age of consent enter from different sides of stage; sit on two benches or chairs, with their backs to each other. They wear winter scarves and gloves.
The recording of their voices.
|I mean, what is it all about anyway?|
|Hot and sweaty. In the middle of December!|
|I’m all wet.|
|There is nothing more black than Christmas in Manchester|
|Can’t bear looking at reflections of the lights in puddles.|
|The most stressful time of the year, and everybody knows it.|
|Bashing each other with shopping bags|
|Spending money we don’t have|
|What are we celebrating?|
|Celebrating being stressed?|
|No person, living or dead, needs twenty boxes under a tree|
|I gave all my gifts to a charity shop last year|
|I sold all of my gifts on e-bay last year|
|Can’t drink enough in order to forget the rest of my life, like everyone else|
|And I’m definitely not buying that ginger bread heart for £4|
|Going to the Christmas Market just to be able to feel connected to people|
|Getting elbowed and stepped on feet|
|Nauseating smell of mulled wine|
|And that psychedelic singing moose head!|
|That spooky singing moose!|
|Just give me a break|
|Can’t I just get some silence?|
|Simply doing nothing|
|Not worrying about getting the right gift for Auntie Jane|
|Not having to look happy when I open Mom’s gifts|
|Don’t really need to watch snowflakes glide slowly through the air, although|
|It would be nice if it snowed|
|Just give me a break!|
Person 2 Speaks Did you say something?
Person 1 Speaks No, I didn’t.
Person 2 Sorry.
Person 1 It’s OK.
They stand up and walk out their respective side of stage.
Person 2 peeps back in.
Person 2 Excuse me?
Person 1 peeps back in.
Person 1 Yes?
Person 2 I was wondering if you perhaps might fancy some mulled wine?
Person 1 No.
Person 2 Uh.
Person 1 But I’m up for hot chocolate. Only all cafes will be packed…
Person 2 There are tables by the singing moose?
Person 1 Sure.
They leave together.